You know I kind of feel like I am going
through some kind of "cosmic bootcamp"
of sorts.. 
These past couple of years
have been filled with plenty of
heart ache and negative cycles.

My family has been significantly reduced
in numbers. People that I love have either:

1) passed away 
(and maybe I never properly grieved their passings?)

or

2) have turned their back on me and walked away. 

Being betrayed & abandoned by the people
who once loved you is very painful.
It fills me with anger. Then it fills me
with the questioning of "why?" or
"how come I'm not good enough?"

Those thoughts often lead to sadness,
and then I am once again left to confront
my ultimate fear - of abandonment.
One powerful demon.
The last monster I have left to kill
before I'm ready for whatever comes next.

Losing contact with my Father hurts.
Despite his many flaws he is still my Father
and I do care about him. I would never
wish him any harm. Even though his drug addictions
ultimately cost us to lose our home.
His disgusting affairs. His absence as the Man
he should be. The man I imagine in my head.

My relationship with my Brother is an 
unsteady-dizzying-confusing game.
I will always love him but he has hurt me, and
taken from me. We are so different- 
like night and day. 
I don't understand him. 
I don't know if I ever will. 

I cling to my Mother as my source of security.
I know that I should have "cut the cord" years
ago and "grown up". But she is my world. 
I want to protect her from all these bad things
happening. I want to take her away from all
of this so that she can live out her remaining
years in peace. I wish that she could be happy.

I live a very humble life. It has only been until just recently that I have
noticed how many things I have neglected in my own life. 
My health. My future. Love..etc

Everything I should be focusing on.

I am beginning to notice just how much strength I have 
bubbling under the surface.  How I am not afraid to fight.
I'm not afraid to let go and feel something new.
How much of an amazing human being I am to have gone
through so much shit and still have some spunk to laugh
about it and keep going.

So is there a reason for all of this?
I'd like to think so. 
Maybe it's helped me to grow some cosmic "balls".
Maybe everything needed to shatter so that I could
rebuild it again. Kudos to the Crone.

I know that as long as I walk through this with love
in my heart everything will work out for the best. 
What I have lost is not nearly as important as
what I have found...

Quiet- Healing- Moonlight.

It helps the mind to wander and slip into the deep subconscious. Many nights I find myself standing under that Moon and letting my thoughts out. I tell the Moon of the events in my life. I tell it of my troubles. My wishes.  I speak to it as if it were a Grandmother of sorts.  Then when I have poured everything out.... I listen. I become quiet and listen to the Moon with my Heart and with my Spirit.

The Goddess communicates by filling me with peace and content. I may recieve words of wisdom and encouragement. Sometimes I feel recharged/healed/empowered...stronger.

I have found that I need to reaffirm my connection to Her daily. To keep myself in check and balanced. To handle the pressures of a difficult life.  To love people and spread light & love.

I am never without her guidance and this beautiful Moonlight reminds me of it.

Updates!

Personal Life:

Work is going ok. It drains a lot out of me but the bills must be payed. Hopefully I can find a better job soon and get back into school. My family is still scattered to the four winds but maybe thats how things are suppose to be right now. I have finally decided that I will no longer allow anyone to hurt me. Those who are suppose to be in my life will be here- everything else I just need to let go of and stop mourning the past. I am aware that I need to clean out my closet and kick out all those old skeletons that have been haunting me for so long. I feel a cycle ending. A new one just about to begin.

Magickal Life:

There are some days when the energy in me just feels so strong that I could take on the world. Then there are those OTHER days when I feel like a big lump of coal begging the Goddess to be transformed into a diamond. Transformation takes time. I am being changed from the inside out. There is a kind of quiet teaching going on within my Spirit that is hard to put into words. I commune more with the natural environment around me. I have formed a friendship with one particular tree in the backyard. Through a series of meditations I was shown some fascinating things. As I invoke the Element of Earth the nearby plants/trees/ground respond. Then the call echos out and stretches; awakening every plant.. until the entire Earth is pulsing and answering my call. The vision that was given to me was so moving. It's good to know even the smallest whisper is heard. I see Ravens flying around me all the time, even at work. Everytime I see one I smile. I feel the God/dess' love glowing inside me.

Our group ritual went very well. We took our time making sure that everyone was smudged and in a receptive state. I was told afterwards that we got a few stares from some people at the park. I never noticed, guess you could say I was in the "zone". I called the element of Earth. As it turns out, I did connect with the Earth on a much more deeper level than I had imagined. As we closed our ritual and I dismissed the North, a pine cone fell and almost clocked me on the head. Laughter is such a great release. :)

We had a nice little pic nic and also an egg hunt. A friend made some beautiful rune crystals and little notes of wisdom and encouragement. By the end of the day I was pooped but it was all worth it. I enjoyed every minute.

Moving from one home to a new home carries with it
some sorrow and some joys.It was heart breaking to leave
the place that has been my home since I was seven-
but now that I have begun to settle into my new surroundings
the sting is slowly beginning to fade.
Most of the unpacking is finished.
We will need to buy some new furniture and perhaps a shed
to go in the backyard to hold the holiday decor.
All the utlities are up and running.
The animals seem to be adjusting fine.
I have no major problems going on with work *knock on wood*.

Now that I have rested I am feeling more inspired
to dive back into my artwork.
I am looking forward to the Ostara Sabbat my friends and I
will be having on the 22nd. We will be conducting a ritual
in a public park. We may or may not catch a few people by surprise.
I do not wish to upset anyone, or for that matter, have anyone
upset us in our worship. We will be in regular clothing, and afterwards
we will have a pic-nic. I think that it will go well-
I do feel like celebrating this new beginning and honoring God/dess.

I have cleaning to do and sculptures to paint.

May Love live in your heart always~