You know I kind of feel like I am going
through some kind of "cosmic bootcamp"
of sorts.. 
These past couple of years
have been filled with plenty of
heart ache and negative cycles.

My family has been significantly reduced
in numbers. People that I love have either:

1) passed away 
(and maybe I never properly grieved their passings?)

or

2) have turned their back on me and walked away. 

Being betrayed & abandoned by the people
who once loved you is very painful.
It fills me with anger. Then it fills me
with the questioning of "why?" or
"how come I'm not good enough?"

Those thoughts often lead to sadness,
and then I am once again left to confront
my ultimate fear - of abandonment.
One powerful demon.
The last monster I have left to kill
before I'm ready for whatever comes next.

Losing contact with my Father hurts.
Despite his many flaws he is still my Father
and I do care about him. I would never
wish him any harm. Even though his drug addictions
ultimately cost us to lose our home.
His disgusting affairs. His absence as the Man
he should be. The man I imagine in my head.

My relationship with my Brother is an 
unsteady-dizzying-confusing game.
I will always love him but he has hurt me, and
taken from me. We are so different- 
like night and day. 
I don't understand him. 
I don't know if I ever will. 

I cling to my Mother as my source of security.
I know that I should have "cut the cord" years
ago and "grown up". But she is my world. 
I want to protect her from all these bad things
happening. I want to take her away from all
of this so that she can live out her remaining
years in peace. I wish that she could be happy.

I live a very humble life. It has only been until just recently that I have
noticed how many things I have neglected in my own life. 
My health. My future. Love..etc

Everything I should be focusing on.

I am beginning to notice just how much strength I have 
bubbling under the surface.  How I am not afraid to fight.
I'm not afraid to let go and feel something new.
How much of an amazing human being I am to have gone
through so much shit and still have some spunk to laugh
about it and keep going.

So is there a reason for all of this?
I'd like to think so. 
Maybe it's helped me to grow some cosmic "balls".
Maybe everything needed to shatter so that I could
rebuild it again. Kudos to the Crone.

I know that as long as I walk through this with love
in my heart everything will work out for the best. 
What I have lost is not nearly as important as
what I have found...