On Friday, Sept. 26th I was invovled in a pretty nasty car crash. Some guy failed to yeild at an intersection and I tried everything I could to avoid him, but it all just happened in a blink. I have been out of work for more than a week. My neck and lower back throb and ache at all hours of the day and night. I don't sleep much-aside from when I take a pain pill and then I'm out like a light. I hired a lawyer today to handle the insurance company who has been giving me the run around. Amazingly enough my boss seems to be supportive. He checks in with me at home every other day. I will start P.T tommorow. Hopefully they can get me up and moving so I'll be ready to go back to work in a week or two. I have been so stressed out this week, but I'm trying to calm myself down and just breathe.
I am not used to being in a house all day..not being able to move and do or go where I want to go. We take so much for granted when we have perfect health. I was reading in the book "The Real Witch's Craft" by Kate West. She has an excersize in there about blindfolding yourself. To take away one of your sences to heighten the others. It was very interesting to learn and feel how my body reacts as I take away my sight. To take away my ability to hear..smell..or even to breathe (for a little while of course) :)
Of course maybe I over did it and pushed my body to far because to be honest I am really hurting right now. I'd like to take a good hot epsom salt bath but I'm afraid of falling in the tub I'm so weak right now. Anyway, things will get better I just need to take it easy and rest. I'd like to sleep a full night without waking up and hurting. I'll get there..I'm looking forward to therapy in the morning!
Samhain is one of the times when the Wild Hunt emerges to ride though the countryside. This fearsome array of phantom horsemen and red-eyed black dogs is common to a number of traditions and is found all over western Europe.
In Scandinavia it is said to be led by the Norse God Odin (or Wotan in Germany and than Saxon parts of Britain). The French say that it is led by none other than King Arthur. In Wales and Celtic areas of England it is led by Arawn or Gwynn ap Nudd, both of whom are lords of the underworld.
Many other deities are also said to lead the hunt, most notably Herne the Hunter and Diana. In fact, Diana is not the only goddess to lead the hunt, others are Holda, Frau Selga and Frau Gauden. There are also similar hunts to be found in Greece (led by Hecate) and in India.
Contrary to popular belief, the Wild Hunt is not actually evil, nor is it good. It exists purely for the chase, and will tirelessly follow it's prey though any terrain, whether forest, rivers or mountains. The sight and sound of the hunters blowing their horns and their howling black dogs, instills absolute terror into it's quarry.
That quarry can also vary, according to legend. In some tales it is a ghostly boar or stag that is being hunted. In others, it is lost souls of the dead (which would certainly be around at Samhain). Sometimes, the quarry is a human who is unlucky or unwise enough to be outside whilst the hunt is riding.
Wild Hunt Dance
We are now going to dance the Wild Hunt. Imagine that you are a member of the hunt, following whichever leader you wish (for example, Odin/Wotan, Herne, Gwynn ap Nudd, Diana etc.) The Hunt is chasing somebody who has foolishly strayed outside whilst the hunt is passing. It is a dark, wild, stormy night and you are attempting to scare your quarry as much as possible, by screaming, baying and blowing your hunting horns. You are not actually trying to catch your quarry, at least not yet, you are enjoying the thrill of the chase far too much at the moment. Dance and chase around to the music, screaming and baying to frighten your quarry, until they (or you) are exhausted. Dance to wild music. I used 'Hall of the Mountain King' by the Finnish death-metal cello quartet Apocalyptica.
Relaxation meditation to chill down after the wild dancing.
You know I kind of feel like I am going through some kind of "cosmic bootcamp" of sorts.. These past couple of years have been filled with plenty of heart ache and negative cycles.
My family has been significantly reduced in numbers. People that I love have either:
1) passed away (and maybe I never properly grieved their passings?)
or
2) have turned their back on me and walked away.
Being betrayed & abandoned by the people who once loved you is very painful. It fills me with anger. Then it fills me with the questioning of "why?" or "how come I'm not good enough?"
Those thoughts often lead to sadness, and then I am once again left to confront my ultimate fear - of abandonment. One powerful demon. The last monster I have left to kill before I'm ready for whatever comes next.
Losing contact with my Father hurts. Despite his many flaws he is still my Father and I do care about him. I would never wish him any harm. Even though his drug addictions ultimately cost us to lose our home. His disgusting affairs. His absence as the Man he should be. The man I imagine in my head.
My relationship with my Brother is an unsteady-dizzying-confusing game. I will always love him but he has hurt me, and taken from me. We are so different- like night and day. I don't understand him. I don't know if I ever will.
I cling to my Mother as my source of security. I know that I should have "cut the cord" years ago and "grown up". But she is my world. I want to protect her from all these bad things happening. I want to take her away from all of this so that she can live out her remaining years in peace. I wish that she could be happy.
I live a very humble life. It has only been until just recently that I have noticed how many things I have neglected in my own life. My health. My future. Love..etc
Everything I should be focusing on.
I am beginning to notice just how much strength I have bubbling under the surface. How I am not afraid to fight. I'm not afraid to let go and feel something new. How much of an amazing human being I am to have gone through so much shit and still have some spunk to laugh about it and keep going.
So is there a reason for all of this? I'd like to think so. Maybe it's helped me to grow some cosmic "balls". Maybe everything needed to shatter so that I could rebuild it again. Kudos to the Crone.
I know that as long as I walk through this with love in my heart everything will work out for the best. What I have lost is not nearly as important as what I have found...
It helps the mind to wander and slip into the deep subconscious. Many nights I find myself standing under that Moon and letting my thoughts out. I tell the Moon of the events in my life. I tell it of my troubles. My wishes. I speak to it as if it were a Grandmother of sorts. Then when I have poured everything out.... I listen. I become quiet and listen to the Moon with my Heart and with my Spirit.
The Goddess communicates by filling me with peace and content. I may recieve words of wisdom and encouragement. Sometimes I feel recharged/healed/empowered...stronger.
I have found that I need to reaffirm my connection to Her daily. To keep myself in check and balanced. To handle the pressures of a difficult life. To love people and spread light & love.
I am never without her guidance and this beautiful Moonlight reminds me of it.
Work is going ok. It drains a lot out of me but the bills must be payed. Hopefully I can find a better job soon and get back into school. My family is still scattered to the four winds but maybe thats how things are suppose to be right now. I have finally decided that I will no longer allow anyone to hurt me. Those who are suppose to be in my life will be here- everything else I just need to let go of and stop mourning the past. I am aware that I need to clean out my closet and kick out all those old skeletons that have been haunting me for so long. I feel a cycle ending. A new one just about to begin.
Magickal Life:
There are some days when the energy in me just feels so strong that I could take on the world. Then there are those OTHER days when I feel like a big lump of coal begging the Goddess to be transformed into a diamond. Transformation takes time. I am being changed from the inside out. There is a kind of quiet teaching going on within my Spirit that is hard to put into words. I commune more with the natural environment around me. I have formed a friendship with one particular tree in the backyard. Through a series of meditations I was shown some fascinating things. As I invoke the Element of Earth the nearby plants/trees/ground respond. Then the call echos out and stretches; awakening every plant.. until the entire Earth is pulsing and answering my call. The vision that was given to me was so moving. It's good to know even the smallest whisper is heard. I see Ravens flying around me all the time, even at work. Everytime I see one I smile. I feel the God/dess' love glowing inside me.
